Rest In Peace, Grandfather.
First, I want to share with you all that this is my first first-hand experience with death and any horrible illness like cancer, so this is all new to me. The visit I had with my Grandfather about three months ago was the first time physical signs of his illness had become noticeable, although they were not drastic. In this instance I rate my "deflected seeing" rather low because although he seemed to have lost a few pounds and wasn't as mobile as he normally was (this was a man who walked 4 miles everyday for the past 40+years), he was still as mentally sharp, whitty, and characteristically funny as always. Sitting there visiting with him wasn't much different than any visit I had ever had with him, and the physical signs of his illness were similar to someone getting over a cold or fighting the flu, not someone who was fighting cancer. In this instance I saw my Grandfather as someone who was sick, not someone who was dying.
The second instance was when I visited him in the hospital a few days before he passed away. By now the physical deterioration had become overwhelmingly noticeable as it caused severe weight loss and extremely limited mobility of any of his extremities. Furthermore, his speech had become nearly obsolete, a characteristic that has truly made him the man he is with his clever puns, jokes, and witty banter. Although I couldn't deny the sight of him before my eyes, I deflected my seeing by still visioning him as the man I have known my whole life. I can recall how hard it was for me to make eye contact with him and shifted much of my line of sight to the others in the room during conversation, picturing he was just his old self sitting there in the bed. I can recall looking directly at his face and seeing it in my eyes but in my mind I projected the face that I have always seen before he got sick. Although I could no longer deflect the reality of his dying state, I still held on to the image of what he used to look like.
Finally, the wake and funeral services proved to be another instance of deflected seeing, although this time it wasn't the sight of his physical face and body, but rather through pictures and storeis. Today was like talking about someone who was supposed to come to the party but missed their flight and couldn't make it - like they were alive and well somewhere else but just not present here. The cheerful mourning and funeral setting were both reminders of reality but also of the past, which I (it is difficult to explain) both consciously and unconsciously saw or "visioned" Grandfather of yesteryear.
Whenever I hear his name or think of a reference or connection to him who do I think of? Who and what do I picture? The cliche is that first impressions are everything and what people most remember, and I believe this to be the case. I think of my Grandfather from my earliest memories. I picture him as all the man who grew old and aged well until became sick. I picture the conversations, the room we were in, the places we went, the things we did overwhelmingly more than the past 5 months. Anytime an image or recollection of him in his illness pops into my head it is hard to tell whether it is conscious or unconscious action that immediately deflects those painful images away and recalls the good ones. Either way, deflected seeing is a reality in itself which allows us to cope with life and move forward as it acknowledges reality but soothes the mind and the soul.
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/philly/obituary.aspx?n=eugene-p-simonson&pid=151655994&fhid=4331
Jack,
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry about your grandfather, may he rest in peace. I understand how you feel, a few years ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was really socking because my mother had always been really healthy and strong. I also deflected my seeing to avoid thinking that she might die, to do this I avoided seeing her the first couple of days after her chemotherapy. It wasn't because I didn't want to be there for here, but I think that as Elkins said ' Aspects of death are terrifying, and so I do not see them, in the sense that I avoid thinking about them'. (107)I did not want to think that dying was an option and so I would avoid talking about my mom's disease with anyone. When she was the worst I would deflect this reality to when she was healthy. As you said even though I saw the physical signs of her sickness (her scars from the surgeries, her radical weight loss and the fact that she lost all of her hair) I failed to see that she was really sick. Thank God after a long and exhausting battle she is now cancer free for 3 years and she is stronger than ever.
Maria,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that with us. I think this was a great example of what Elkins is talking about in regards to Death as you highlighted. As you too well know, on a personal level, the idea of deflected seeing is quite complicated to put into words in a situation like this as we simultaneously see"reality"as a function of both conscious and unconscious vision.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Great blog I really enjoyed reading it and seeing your deflected vision of your grandfather in his last few weeks. Stay strong buddy!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss. My father died last year and I can relate to what you are saying. It is so sad to hear any loss, but I know that he is in a better place.
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